A Monks Lament I Love a Dream
by xXShadowCat
Summary: Auron x Tidus pairing. Mature content. Aurons Pov. Tidus is a bit older in this, he's around 20. Auron continues to struggle with his feelings. "You want this Auron, I know you do. Stop fighting it. I'm not innocent, you won't break me." Takes place mainly in Zanarkand pre-storyline but contains slight spoilers. First fanfiction, reviews welcome.


Wrote this years ago, thought I'd finally get around to upload it. 

My ears perked up, alert to the sounds of footsteps on the wooden flooring of the boathouse. Tidus was home, and he had company. Sometimes, I wish I was dead, rather than stuck living in a story that I didnt write. Instead I am stuck halfway between life and death, lingering, waiting to die. But I guess that is life, or rather not. I have to try to enjoy it, it was all I have left after all. A dying wish to a friend, I'd jumped at an instant promising Jecht saying I'd do anything he wished... I was so naive back then. Who'd of thought looking after a kid could be so hard. From the laughter and the hushed whisperings I could tell Tidus was drunk again.

One disadvantage for me is I can't sleep, My bed is just a facade, for Tidus' sake. Every night I lie awake, various memories and thoughts pacing steadily through my mind. Some thoughts of Spira, of fallen comrades but nothing manages to invade my thought like Tidus. I can't stand nights like these. Cursing my perfect hearing, I'm forced to hear everything, all of it. The bed creaking, the masculine grunts, feminine moans the filthy words uttered and the erotic sound of skin slapping skin. I had got into the habit of leaving every time Tidus brought someone home. It always brought back memories of the first night this had happened. Tidus was 17, he was legal he was no longer the small boy I had been sent to protect, but a man. Some wild force took hold of me when I heard the act, my imagination ran rampant contriving images out of my buried desire and forcing a certain part of my anatomy to betray me.

I had been trained as a warrior monk, to repel my desires, keep them at bay. But I was no longer alive, what good would morals and training do me now. I needed this, there's only so much temptation a man can take after all. I let myself go, i let myself feel again. Taking hold of my erection and stroking it, my mind jumbling up pictures on its own, looking down at my hands only to see them replaced by younger unscarred ones. I lost control. But after my peak, my sin my pleasure. It was inevitable but i was blinded lust that so persistently branded itself into my mind. The guilt struck. What had i done? I felt dirty. The air in the room grew thick and began to suffocate me. I then did the one thing I swore that I would never do again; I ran. The ocean air calmed my raging thoughts but the clear sky told me what i already knew. I loved this boy deeper than I was meant to as a sort of surrogate father which both sickened and attracted me by it's wrongness.

I hastily tugged on a black shirt and wandered off into the city... I needed some heavy distractions tonight. Finding myself outside a local strip club I hovered outside, 'is this really what it has come to?' I wondered, but I was a man possessed and taking my sexual desires out on something was sure to aleviate my impure thoughts. I watched the woman dancing, entertaining various shady looking men. These women didn't appeal to me, I got myself a drink and sat in a booth until one of them caught my interest. She formed her finger into a hook, motioning me to come closer to her. It was no wonder she had caught my attention, her hair was blonde just like his, tanned skin and a cute smile.. she looked like this world had done nothing to her, that her lifestyle had failed to steal her innocence. She fascinated me, so I downed my drink and approached her holding her hypnotic gaze.

"Hey there baby" she whispered huskily into my ear as she pressed herself up against my chest " you wanna good fuck?"

To say i was surprised was an understatement seemingly innocent I had thought. But, as they say never judge a book by its cover, and I was never one to pass on a golden opportunity. "lead the way" I said, admiring her body as she confidently led me to one of the bedrooms in the back. She lay on the bed, stretching provocatively giving me a nice view of her yellow thong, which matched her bikini top.

"So, how do you want me baby? You can have me any way you want... and believe me.. i mean any way" she smirked seductively. I was beginning to wonder whether this was a bad idea, I had never done something like this before and she could tell I was unsure about how I was expected to go about it. She motioned for me to sit beside her and reassured me that I couldn't do anything wrong here. She offered to do all the work for me, but I needed to quell this feeling, I needed to dominate. Taking her by surprise i ravaged her lips as i pushed her back down onto the bed, my hands roamed her body in a frenzy, making short work of her bikini top and proceeding to kneed her breasts roughly. I began sucking and placing kissed on her neck causing her to moan as i made my way downwards. While my mouth was firmly latched over one nipple my fingers were stroking her slit through the thin fabric of her thong. Finding i could feel her wetness that had soaked through I smirked down at her "So wet already, I guess you like it rough then?" I smirked. her only reply was another moan as i resumed with fervor. Although i had never done this before by the way she was bucking and writhing so frantically I presumed i was doing well. Very soon my fingers were encased inside her velvety heaven, pistoning in and out as her breaths grew steadily heavier. My erection was straining against the my trousers so i hastily undressed. I was surprised at her eagerness, but I guess I really shouldn't have been as when she saw my cock she wrapped her lips around it instantly, sucking it hard. I gripped her hair and forced my girth deeper, no doubt she had practiced this as she relaxed her throat easily taking me deeper. Guiding her head and thrusting my hips i felt the sweet pressure building up and i gritted my teeth.

"I take it you like sucking cock then" I laughed smirking again and slapping her bare ass hard. "I can't wait til I'm buried deep inside that pussy of yours, making you scream." with that I pulled out of her mouth, flipping her so she was on her hands and knees positioned myself behind her. Thrusting in quickly and then enjoying the tight hot bliss enveloping my sensitive member. I reached around groping her breast as I started rocking in and out of her slowly. I couldn't remember ever feeling this good. She moved backwards silently pleading for me to fuck her faster but i wasn't letting her get what she wanted that easily. She was gonna have to beg for me. I stopped inside her completely, which was a difficult test of my once firm self control.

"you want something?" I asked falsely, to which she nodded frantically,

"No. Tell me what you want.." i trailed off, she knew what I was doing.

"I want you to fuck me hard and fast" she mumbled.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you." I smirked applying light pressure to that magic button which i knew I could use to make her voice hoarse.

"I said i want you to fuck me hard and fast " she said steadily

"Nope, still cant hear you." I growled, thoroughly enjoying dominating this woman.

"Just fuck me already!" she screamed.

"There's a good girl" i muttered into her ear before building up the pressure on her clit and thrusting inside her wildly. I was hitting that special spot inside her and as promised making her scream for more. Sweat glistened on her skin and she was trembling, she was so close now. My thrusts grew frantic and erratic, pummeling into her as hard as i could and relishing the sounds that we made as i pounded against that firm ass. She came, moaning loudly and I felt a vice like clamp squeeze my member hard as I too came with a guttural moan. We stayed like that for a moment, me still inside her as we tried to calm our ragged breathing. Sweat glistened on my skin as I pulled out, getting dressed again and coming down from my high I grew nervous again. I didn't know what to do... where do I pay? Luckily this woman seemed to sense my worry

"Don't worry about it babe, just pay the manager. Come back anytime." She smiled, winking at me before relaxing onto the bed. Hastily I paid the manager and left. I left the nameless woman inside that dirty club, I should've felt sorry for her, but i didn't. She seemed to enjoy herself. I didn't even catch her name. Wondering if Tidus had finished up yet i walked slowly back to the boathouse. Thinking of my old friends. Of Braska, dying a legend. a hero to the whole of Spira and of Jecht.. just another dead guardian, just another Sin. He had no choice but to cause harm and misery and was cursed by everyone.. and then there was me. Stuck here.

Braska had it easy. Why did i have to be the one to look after their kids, although it was selfish it was true. Death would be an easier burden than to be here. I reek of death, the otherworld pulls me towards it, resisting is painful but otherwise I will become a fiend. A promise made by a dead man, to a man that is very much alive, I wondered vaguely which was worse. At least I wasn't killing anyone and I had control of myself... mostly. Some nights I would come back drunk and slump onto my chair on the deck. When i was drunk i didn't have to think, I didn't have to face reality. Plus, i could drink however much and not have to worry about my health... what can happen to me now really? It's not like I can die again. I'd watch the sunrise over the ocean, something I'd always loved to do on the pilgrimage when we set off at dawn, the light shimmering on the water is beautiful. Beautiful, I thought. The woman who killed me was supposedly beautiful, the woman Braska had named his daughter after went on to kill his best friend, and I still had her to look after too. Yunalesca... Yuna. I supposed it didn't matter really, my story can't change, once the pages are written and the memories can't be forgotten.

I lay on my bed waiting for the dawn, knowing the girl would be gone by then, they always were. They just wanted the bragging rights, that they slept with the star player of the Zanarkand Abes. He never cared for any of them anyway he just wanted an easy lay, he could pick out any he wanted and they wouldn't hesitate. I always heard them in passing , teenage girls talking about him, they seemed to be everywhere and he seems the most interesting topic of discussion. It used to surprise me how big a celebrity he was until i thought of Jecht, his father had left him a legacy that he had now taken over. Jecht had been the best; some argued he still was, his legendary shot he perfected could beat all others. People argued that Tidus was well on his way to surpassing him. Jecht had been popular with the girls in his day as well, apparently when he got married there was uproar with the fan girls. The way they talk about Tidus like he's some sort of prize infuriates me, they talk about him so everyone can hear, their high pitched voices commenting on him loudly to everyone in the near vicinity. He was mine after all my mind argued, selfishly before I could stop it.

Shaking my head I walked up to the boat house as he was sitting on the deck, his black shorts on, torso bare. A particular one of the rumors floated through my head as i took in his muscular build and the thoughts came out of my head before I could stop them. Was it true about his stamina... about his size? well i suppose he does play blitzball. And the noises... Well I've heard the noises so often... I slapped myself mentally, why was i thinking this? This isn't supposed to happen. It's wrong. _I'm_ wrong.

"Hey Auron" he muttered as i walked onto the deck taking a seat beside him "What are you doing up so late?" he asked cocking his head to the side like some sort of puppy.

"I had someone to see" I muttered taking a beer out of the cooler and taking a long swig.

"Someone's got a lady friend" he said laughing in a sing song voice

"If you say so" i muttered back

"Well, i never see you with anyone... so who is she ? " he asked puzzled.

"None of your business. Anyway, where's your lady friend?" i shot back, he had no right joking about my women, the infamous man whore that he was.

"Well, you know how it is Auron" he muttered, the smirk dropping from his face as he looked down at the floorboards.

"How is it?" I assumed he was talking about his women...

"The women I sleep with, they don't care about me, just my status. They just want to go back and tell their friends they've had an all star blitzballer. I don't much care for them either, they're nothing to me. It's just... I don't want to keep doing this... I want... " he stopped and looked at me, I was frowning in confusion. I thought he enjoyed his women. Frowning probably makes me look even older I mentally noted, sighing internally.

" I don't know what I want... I just want something real." he finished looking up at the sky and smiling bitterly, "I'm sorry, you probably don't care"

This irritated me. My eyes softened and I muttered sincerely" What are you talking about, of course I care... Why do you think that?" I didn't care...? If only he knew.

"Look, it doesn't matter. I'm going back to bed." he muttered, standing up hastily. What had put him in such a mood? Nothing usually fazed him. I stood up as well, I did care, I'd prove it.

"Tidus wait" he turned around tears glistening in his eyes, instinctively i wrapped my arms around his smaller figure pulling him close to me. He lent on me his fingers digging into my chest, clinging to me as he had done as a small child, like I would disappear should he release me. He had looked up to me once tears in his eyes and sobbed quietly "You won't disappear will you Auron?... Like my dad... Please...Don't disappear." I smiled fondly remembering how I had no clue what to do. I'd never really dealt with a child before, I just let him cling to me, reassuring him that I wouldn't ever leave him. It had pained me how he had such a bad opinion of his father, being ignorant of the noble cause Jecht had sacrificed himself for. But, that was just another thing I had to overlook.

He was almost as tall as me now... almost. I rested my head on his shoulder shamefully taking in his overpowering masculine scent. It didn't seem like he was crying, but it was unusual for me to embrace him. I was usually adept at keeping my distance, to protect me but mostly to protect him, he didn't need anymore fucked up things in his life. His hands moved slowly, carefully moving around my back keeping the embrace I smiled over his shoulder, even the sensation of his hands merely lightly touching me made me happy. I need to get a grip... My hands roamed downwards of their own accord, to the small of his back and he squeezed me tighter, resting his head onto my chest.

"Tidus... what's the matter? I care. You can tell me anything" I murmured into his ear softy, not wanting to scare him away. He raised his head to look into my eyes, his bright blue orbs piercing me, shimmering with unshed tears. He raised himself higher abruptly and placed a chaste kiss on my coarse lips. My eyes widened but he thankfully didn't notice as his head was once again buried into my chest. I ignored the rapid pounding of my heart, becoming steadily more paranoid that he could hear it. He pulled away and wiped his eyes on the back of his hand.

"Later Auron" he sniffed, retreating back into the boat. The cold air touched my lips, drying the moisture on them. I raised my hand instinctively to my lips touching where his had been only a moment before. Suddenly i became frustrated, what the fuck was wrong with me...? I shouldn't be effected like this. It was becoming way too hot, even though in reality the air was chilly. I took off my boots, shrugged off my coat and nearly ripped my shirt getting it over my head. Taking 3 paces back, I ran and jumped off deck into the cool waters surrounding us. The icy water instantly chilled me to my bones, I lay back resting leisurely, allowing myself to peacefully drift along. The temperature cooled my mind as well permitting my tense muscles to relax as i stared aimlessly up at the star filled sky. Until his voice infiltrated the still air.

"Auron, What are you-" He stopped, leaning off the edge of the boat staring at me with wide eyes. I raised my eyebrows questioningly but inside I was nervously looking down at myself trying to figure out what he was staring at. I was in my pants after all, my tanned skin shining with scattered droplets of water. Was he staring at my body? That was probably it and with the amount of scars marring my skin I couldn't really blame him.

"Just thinking" I replied, ignoring his gaze and staring back up into the sky, afraid his piercing eyes would see straight through me and my pretense.

"Ahh, okay ..." He smirked, yanking his shirt off and diving in as well. He was graceful and elegant as he dived, not that I'd expect any less from a blitzballer of his caliber. He bobbed up and calmly made his way towards me.

"Think fast old man! " He shouted before tackling me, suddenly dragging me under the water. I smirked to myself, turning him around and pushing him further down. Deciding to go along with his little game.

"Not bad for an old man." I growled as we emerged on the surface.

"I was just going easy on you, wouldn't want you to break your hip now would we? " He retorted sharply. His lips once again forming that innocent smirk. He was so beautiful that it tore me apart, so utterly disarming that it was astonishing. He broke down all the barriers that no one else had been able to in all my life. It killed me to touch him but know that it'll never be in the way I secretly want it to be. This love was like a drug, a weapon. It tore me apart but I still wanted more... that kiss, I wanted more. I wanted to taste him, feel him, never let that smile leave his face.

"Less of the old remarks." I chastised, splashing him playfully, only to receive another tackle.

"What were you thinking about before? You seemed... sad " Tidus frowned, suddenly turning serious. I've never been one for lying.

"I was thinking about you" I answered truthfully, staring up at the night sky unable to meet his gaze. Though out of the corner of my eye i could have sworn I'd seen him react.

"Hm. Me? Auron, you don't have to worry about me... I'm not a little kid anymore. I've just got a lot going on at the minute, that's all " he smiled reassuringly. He suddenly laughed breaking the solemn moment " You admitting you care... have I managed to put a chink in your armor? " He teased.

"I'm not wearing armor" I responded stiffly. Which was true, he had destroyed it long ago after all.

"Yes you are, you always have... What do i really know about you other than you were a friend of my fathers and he asked you to look after me?" He looked almost sad.

"That I'm a grumpy old man" I countered, trying to lift the atmosphere but to no avail.

"Don't mess around with me Auron. Just tell me something true. I deserve the chance to know you." He pleaded staring at me intently.

"The truth is sometimes a terrible thing, you're still just a boy... I doubt you could handle it" I shot back coldly. Warning him off, we were treading in dangerous water now. I began swimming back to the ship.

"You think that you're so smart. So clever. You think that you know everything, but you don't. You think you've won this. But we both know you haven't Auron!" He shouted, seething with a silent fury and swimming hastily towards me. I stopped and turned face him.

"We're not fighting, there's nothing to win. I don't know everything, so maybe you could enlighten me. What the fuck is wrong with you?!" My voice was raised but my tone was still soft. I grabbed him him by the shoulders and shook him, trying to shake him out of this mood.

"You!" he yelled, punching me halfheartedly in the chest. "It's your fucking fault" he yelled again, his voice seemed tired... as though he was truly worn out and exhausted I pulled him close and wrapped my arms around him once more, even though he was still trying to punch me.

"What's wrong with you today ?" I whispered, shaking my head over his shoulder. He'd never acted so unstable before. "Come on, let's get you back to the boat. You'll be freezing." I berated.

"I don't need looking after, I told you. I'm not a kid !" He pouted childishly.

"Everyone needs looking after. Stop acting like a little kid and then maybe I won't treat you like one" I sighed. I just wanted him to go back inside.

"Fine. I'll stop then" He muttered wrapping his arms around my neck he smiled. There was a twinkle in his eye I just didn't trust, but before I had time to respond it had already happened. "Would a kid do this?" he had smirked before pressing his lips against mine. I gasped in surprise and he slipped his tongue into my mouth. I couldn't stop myself responding as his tongue softly caressed mine, making me take an active role in this as well I raised my hands up to his head and cupped his cheeks, pulling him in closer. His hand moved from behind me down my body heading lower under the water. I broke off the kiss suddenly and stared at him in confusion. He didn't say anything but the mortified look on his face said enough. Then he disappeared under the water, heading for the boat. I shouted after him but he didn't stop, he was much faster than me as well so by the time i was back on board he was nowhere to be seen.

"Fuck" I cursed in frustration, quickly drying myself and putting my gear back on. I walked to his room and knocked on the door.

"Fuck off" He shouted, from the other side of the door.

"Tidus, please. We need to talk about this, let me in" I pleaded desperately, I wasn't prepared to lose him over this. Besides, he kissed me... What was going on here? Did people kiss people to prove points regularly? I wasn't accustomed to this medieval Zanarkand.

"What's there to talk about? Can't you just leave me alone?" His voice was breaking a bit, sobs coming from the other side.

"Well, you kissed me... and I don't know what this means. Please Tidus. Let me in." I said firmly. I had no idea what I was going to say to him... but I had a feeling anything was better than pretending it never happened at all.

After a while I heard the lock click and I pushed the door open cautiously, he was lying on the bed with his head in his hands. I sat on the edge of the bed tentatively, not at all sure what would console him. I didn't think I'd be able to resist if he kissed me again, maybe we should leave this for another time.

"I'm sorry. Auron... Don't. Don't hate me. Please..." He whimpered, between sobs.

"Tidus, for the last time. I don't hate you. Nothing you could do would ever make me hate you." I told him sincerely I leaned further to him, placing my hand on his wet back and whispered. "I just wish you could stop being so confusing."

He turned around, facing me. It took me several seconds to realize that I was leaning over him, mere inches away from those perfect lips. He reached up slowly, cautiously cupping my cheek in his soft palm.

"Auron..." He whispered, his pupils slowly dilated breaking me out of the moment. I abruptly pulled back, turning away.

"You should dry off, you'll catch your death. Goodnight Tidus" I muttered curtly. Beginning to walk out and erase this from my mind.

His hand shot out, gripping my wrist and pulling me back to him roughly. He was sitting up on the edge of the bed now and his face was directly opposite to my groin. I twitched, trying desperately to dispel all impure thoughts that threatened to consume my mind.

"No, you always do this Auron." He yelled, irrationally angered once again. "You get close to me then push me away like I mean nothing, why is it so hard for you to let me in?" He asked, his tone fiery and adamant.

"Tidus... don't do this right now. Okay?" I was going to say I'm only human, but what a lie that would've been. I walked towards the door again but he sprang up and pinned me against it. Pushing his body flush against mine he looked up into my good eye and pressed further against me, grinding into me as I groaned unintentionally. He lowered his head and kissed my neck, I hadn't bothered to put the coat back on so he had adequate access to my skin.

"You want this Auron, I know you do. Stop fighting it. I'm not innocent, you won't break me." He grinded on me again, making me gasp and slipping his tongue in my mouth once again. I was too shocked to resist. He was all I could taste and he was all I could smell. He was everything in that moment. Then I realized, when hadn't he been everything? My hands that were on his arms, intending to push him away had somehow found themselves rooted firmly in his blonde locks, pulling him further towards me. My hips too started pressing firmly against his, the primal urge for satisfaction taking over all logical thought. His erection was prominent and mine was beginning to get uncomfortable once more, straining against my loose pants. His hands wandered across my chest, tracing my abdomen and steadily trailing downwards, stopping once they felt the coarse hairs that let to his apparent desire. His hesitation knocked me out of whatever trance he'd put me in and I pushed him back roughly. He looked confused but I couldn't do anything for him.

"I'm sorry Tidus. I'm sorry" I whispered. Before leaving him, he looked so torn that my heart hurt. It was even worse knowing that I'd done that to him. Retreating to the kitchen I grabbed my whiskey draining it it a few swift gulps I headed for my bedroom. Deciding it would be best to attend to my matters in private I walked into the bathroom and locked the door. Turning on the shower I divested myself and felt the soothing heat hit my back. Soothing the masses of tension that were building up, but only slightly. The heat reminded me of his hands, dancing all over my body and my erection which had formerly softened was now at full attention again. I tried to wash away the guilt by reminding myself that this was a natural reaction. My thoughts floated to that blonde from the club as I pleasured myself, her tanned skin, her carefree attitude and downright shamelessness but as I neared my completion her face warped to another tanned blonde. One who had previously had me pinned up against his door. His mouth was around me and I groaned, moving my hand faster, then he was on my bed his face distorted by pleasure as I entered him. Suddenly I came, jerking as my seed shot out in small spurts and gasping "I'm pathetic" before collapsing against the wall of the shower. The evidence was easily washed away, but my shame and guilt weren't so easily taken care of. How hadn't I realized the strippers similarity to Tidus? Is that why I was drawn to her most of all?

I lay on my bed after redressing, with my arms behind my head. I wanted to get more alcohol, anything to make these thoughts disappear but waking Tidus really didn't seem worth it. I closed my eyes as there was a barely audible knock at the door.

"Auron, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to do that." He muttered, before opening the door. I regulated my breathing, and kept my eyes closed trying desperately to pretend I was asleep so that he would leave. Big mistake. I felt pressure on the bed, he was apparently lying next to me. He ran his hands softly through my hair and whispered softly " I love you. But, you'll never let me in will you old man?" It was more to himself than to me. For a moment I thought why was it so wrong? I wasn't related to him, and I never got close enough for him to see me as a father figure. Constantly denying him what he wants and making him upset didn't really constitute looking after him, which is my reason for being here after all. It was just his age stopping this I tried to argue with myself, but I supposed if he didn't have a problem with me being old enough to be his father then why should I? But, say I did indulge his desires, would he want more. Love? Didn't that entail a relationship? I don't know how to be in a relationship. I was a fucking monk for crying out loud. I couldn't give him what he wanted. I'd just end up hurting him, and hurting myself... but I suppose I'd do that anyway by leaving him unrequited. He stopped stroking my hair and slid down so he was by the side of me, softly wrapped his arms around me and leaned into my body. I tensed - afraid he would see through my pretense. Soon his breathing steadied and I opened my eye to find him asleep, I stayed perfectly still just watching him. It was torture, knowing he was there but also knowing I could do nothing, could give him nothing. My self control was back and I separated myself from the situation I knew I had to separate myself from him as well.

I rolled over, onto my back and out of his reach he must have woke up because I heard the door close and then he was gone when next I looked. I pulled out my book desperate for distraction, and read until the sun was shining in through the shutters. I was mildly surprised when I didn't writhe and turn to ash, considering the lecherous creature I'd become.

Dragging myself out of bed I checked the time: 7:55. Tidus should be at blitzball practice at 8, so the boathouse should be free. I walked down the hall with a spring in my step, feeling light now that I had a whole day of solitude without any overly hormonal teens to cloud my judgement. I subconsciously walked into his room, ready to start my daily ritual of cleaning up the mess Tidus had taken to calling his bedroom, when I became encompassed by a feeling of rapture. Stretching myself out on his bed I gripped the covers firmly, balling my fists into them and taking a long breath of his intoxicating scent into my empty lungs and holding it, my eyes fluttered and my head felt wonderfully light. I sighed as I reluctantly breathed out again and suddenly realized what I was doing, mentally shaking off the strange feeling, but the scent of him was stuck firmly in my head for a long while afterwards.

I spent the day fighting fiends which threatened to cross the border at Mount Gagazet, it was a helpful outlet for my frustration and a useful way to earn money whilst staying in shape. I had to be prepared for when we were summoned after all...

My injuries weren't too bad so my mind was elsewhere as I trudged wearily back home. Every blonde shock of hair drew my attention, every set of piercing blue eyes, tanned skin or eccentric dress sense. It made me feel weak, the irritation grew as I spotted him on the docks. On the docks with a girl. His face was soft as he laughed and his eyes were focused on her intensely, like he looked at me the other night. Like he should be looking at me now. The doubts started to form and multiply, spiraling and consuming me. Was it just a spur of the moment thing? He hadn't seem drunk but he could have been, or maybe he was doing this to get a rise from me, despite how unlikely that seemed. Though he always did revel in making me lose my composure. I bit my lip as I neared, resisting the urge to grab him and announce that he was my possession that no one could have him but me. It scared and thrilled me at the same time. His eyes met mine and darkened, a devious smile set on his impish lips.I returned the smile giving his companion an acknowledging nod, his smile faltered and mine grew.

He was baiting me. A seventeen year old... Baiting me. Ridiculous really, like I'd lose my composure at all. Though a small part of me conceded that the urge to do so had certainly risen. I looked back over my shoulder to see them kissing and rolled my eyes. Turning back and entering the boathouse, I may be a restless undead, but that doesn't mean I can't pretend to be exhausted to avoid the empty feeling in my chest.

He was late in, as usual. He sprawled out on the couch next to me, stinking of sweet perfume and alcohol. I idly watched the sphere, trying to stop my mind from imagining his evening activities.

"Should you be out drinking? " I inquired, raising an eyebrow uncertainly. I still had to maintain some platonic surrogate father relationship didn't I?

"I'm 17 you know. It's legal, like everything else is." He muttered, eyes glued to the Blitzball results. Whether his 'and everything else is' was purposeful or not I wasn't sure.

"Get up to much tonight?" I asked, attempting some mutual conversation. Some normality.

"I went back to that girls place, if that's what you're asking." He laughed, but he wasn't smiling. "Why don't you go out Auron? Why don't you have a wife or a girlfriend?" He questioned, sitting up and getting nearer to me.

"If it doesn't make you happy, you probably shouldn't do it." I replied, having to break his stare. His shirt was unbuttoned giving me a view of his perfectly toned chest and I had to focus just to think what my original point was.

"Women don't make you happy?"

"No, women don't make you happy. I'm just too old." I turned my gaze back to the sphere, but in the corner of my eye I saw him frowning.

"We both know you're not too old Auron. What's the real reason?" I ignored the slight suggestiveness of that statement. In fact I ignored the question altogether.

"You should be asking yourself that really." I knocked back my whiskey and poured another, in a vain relieve the tension that had steadily accumulated around us.

"But I know why..." He murmured, edging closer with his eyes locked on mine. He was so close now I could feel his hot breath on my skin, he leaned in and whispered in my ear.

"Do you want to know why... Auron?" I knew I shouldn't have. I knew I should have stood up and left, walked and never looked back. Not until I had to fulfill my duty at least. But everything I knew went to shit the moment my mouth went dry and I hoarsely whispered back to him:

 **"Why?"**

"Because, there's no one else..." he grasped my hand and directed it to his chest. "There's no one else I want except you". Time seemed to come to a stand still and if I ever want to remember anything it would be this moment, as internally tormenting as it is. His aqua eyes were half lidded but bright with hope and tinged with fear, his soft lips were half parted and he seemed to be unknowingly holding his breath in anticipation. His skin was smooth under my hand, further reminding me of his youth, contrasting with my hand was calloused and rough from many years of fighting. I'd seen horrific things, I'd even died; but nothing had ever scared me as much as this boy did.

"Why Tidus. Why is it me?" I whispered back, the atmosphere was so fragile it seemed like if I spoke any louder it would shatter like glass all around us. Like a twisted mirror of an alternate reality, like a dream of the dead that just won't disappear.

"You've always been here Auron, you've always been alone. I don't want you to be alone like I feel alone. You're the only person who doesn't feel like a stranger to me, although I know nothing about you at all. You're the only person I feel whole around, the only one who fills this void inside." His eyes screamed desperation. Desperate to be accepted. I turned my head away, like I had from every temptation before. There was no point, it couldn't work. Every impulse in my body screamed at me to kiss him, but I just sat still. Waiting. I glanced from under my bowed head at his eyes, glistening with aqua droplets.

"Tidus..." I whispered, reaching for him slowly. He recoiled suddenly, jumping away and going to leave but I yanked him back sharply, accidentally making him fall onto my lap.

"I can't give you what you want, but I don't want to hurt you. I just want everything to stop hurting and I don't know what to do. For the first time in years I've been unsure and you should know it's all your fault. I'll let you make this decision Tidus, but if you want me to be a part of your story I can't guarantee a happy ending" I murmured, finally saying it properly. I felt so vulnerable I had to turn my head away.

"You're so damn stupid Auron!" he laughed, tilting my head up. "It'll always be you" he smirked before closing the distance between us.

I had believed in that 'always'. Foolish of me though it was. But I still had my mission to complete. The way he shouted my name before he was engulfed in Sin still sometimes crossed my mind, we might have been happy there, in that dream ignorant to the future. I had no idea where he was now, I hoped he was safe. I hadn't seen him in 3 months but it felt like I'd waited those thousand years. I wandered Luca as I used to Zanarkand, frequently visiting the Blitzball stadium. Though none were ever as good as he had been, or as his father had been before him. Everyone knew me here, which was a welcome change from the loneliness in that metropolis but without him I still felt alone. Traversing Spira brought back distant memories and I smiled at the nostalgia. I knew Yuna would have to come through here at some point, but she sure seemed to be taking her time.

The sun was glaring and the stands were packed, it was the biggest game of the year and teams had come to compete from all over Spira. I flinched as Maester Mika made his speech, he too belonged in the farplane and it only made the strain I was under harder. I watched the games with disinterest, merely wasting the day away and trying to preoccupy my mind with anything other than him. I'd started assuming the worst but of course he was a strong and young, I knew he'd be fine. He was faster than me and would soon be stronger, I only hoped he'd leave me before I had to leave myself. I was just about to exit the stadium when I heard something that made me freeze.

"There seems to be an unknown substitute for the Besaid Aurochs, and whoever he is, this kid is good!" The commentator yelled enthusiastically

"Yeah, they might actually have a chance this year" the second one added, laughing.

Turning I didn't know whether to smile or frown. It was him. But would he be pleased to see me? I sat and watched, he was only on for a while but had managed to get two goals in the last few minutes. The crowd were going crazy for him. I wondered how he'd got onto a team so quickly and tried not to get too envious as he executed effortless shots and passes, all these strangers staring at him seemed to irk me. There were screams and cheers echoing all around the stadium, but then suddenly something went wrong. The excited screams turned to those of anxiety and panic as the audience began to frantically flee from the stadium.

Fiends had infiltrated somehow. I frowned, Luca was meant to have the best defenses especially in blitzball season, this couldn't of been an accident. I drew my blade slowly and calmly as people stumbled past me in terror, cutting down a few fiends effortlessly. My eyes widened and my throat went dry as he ran towards me, sword in hand.

Maybe he was a warrior now, accompanied by a foreign orange haired man, another Auroch apparently. Remembering the situation I turned back, they intended to fight alongside me it seemed. I nodded towards Tidus, before we took down a flying fiend, I was never any good when it came to them. Suddenly we were surrounded on either side. I was starting to get worried when suddenly they began dispersing into clouds of pyreflies one by one. Through the haze was a massive Aeon, with huge chains anchoring it to the ground. It seemed to be able to kill fiends without physically attacking them. Whispers began to echo throughout the stadium as the remaining people, although still shaken, sat back down on the stands. It seems that the Guado responsible for the Aeon was a new Maester, Seymour apparently. His father had been renowned for bridging human to Guado relations throughout Spira, and so by following in his footsteps he had a lot to live up to.

I walked with Tidus to the docks, but didn't quite get the warm welcome I was hoping for... rather the opposite actually - He had a tantrum. Quite understandably of course but it irritated me, he was still a boy and this wasn't Zanarkand anymore, this thing between us had to stop. If it already hadn't. There were laws here, strict regulations traditions and codes.

"I'm going to tell you a story, you might want to sit down to hear it." I muttered, cutting him off and effectively silencing his whining. He complied reluctantly as I tried to decide how to word the news as delicately as possible. It's never easy to tell someone that all they knew is now gone and they don't really have a choice but to move on. It seemed cruel that his fate was pre-set like this, but his societies sins had caused this and Jecht thought it best. It was out of my hands now, I was just a dead man walking. I explained it all, my promise to Jecht, Zanarkands destruction, and that Sin was in fact Jecht. I couldn't bring myself to tell him I was an unsent and thought the premise of him being a dream might be too much. I expected this anger but it didn't mean I appreciated it.

Everything he knew and believed in was being thrown into turmoil.

"All of this is your fault, everything, everything!" He yelled taking a step forward and swiping his arm through the air in a sweep.

And maybe it was, maybe I shouldn't of took on a promise which I couldn't bear to see through. I was the only familiar thing he had now, the only thing that could remind him of home other than Blitzball. I watched him as he fell to his knees in a desperation to take all this in and started to walk away. This display only reminded me of how fragile he was; I was never good with fragile objects.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned to find his lips locked with mine. My eyes widened as I shoved him off and through a narrow passageway of boxes.

"Tidus. This isn't Zanarkand anymore. That sort of thing doesn't happen here, it's forbidden. You can't do that in public. In fact, we can't do this anymore at all." I put my hand on his shoulder, foolishly showing him some form of affection which counteracted what I was saying. Then the tenderness slipped into my voice "we shouldn't make this any harder than it has to be."

"What am I supposed to do now then Auron. Tell me that! Why did you bring me here if it meant I was going to lose you." He murmured, dazed, confused, lost. I explained I was going to offer to be Yuna's guardian, and he could come along if he wished, apparently having met the summoner already. He trailed after me, stropping like a child, which I turned a blind eye to. "You say it's choice! But I don't really have a choice do I!? you never gave me a choice in any of this."

"You always have a choice, there's a moment where you can say yes or no. That's a choice." I stated sighing, getting slightly exasperated as his childish behavior

"I never chose to love you, to come here." He pouted childishly.

"Do you think I did? Don't you think I want to stop? And neither did I. It was predestined, regardless of my presence, so stop whining, grow up and get used to it." I snapped. Those months in Zanarkand were just a fantasy, how did I not realise his true nature. Childlike and petulant, stubborn and unyielding if he doesn't get his own way. My admonishment silenced him for awhile until we met Yuna and her guardians on the outskirts of Luca.

Tidus was surprised at the guardians shock at my offer to be Yuna's guardian, I doubted there was anyone in Spira who didn't know of me Braska and Jecht. Being an ex- grandsummoners guardian apparently elevated you to celebrity status, it was a wonder word hadn't got out of my death, although it was probably suspected with my 10 year absence. After mine and Tidus' initiation we were ready to move on. The blonde leaned over the railing, staring at Braska's daughter with that innocent boyish look of his and they looked so picture perfect, I knew I had to let it be. The groups attention were suddenly drawn as both of the youths began yelling, then fell into bouts of laughter, the incident was bizarre but elicited various grins from the party. This was how it was meant to be. There's no room for alternative stories in this Spira.  
That was one of the numerous times I felt glad that my glasses shielded my eye. If one looks into the eye they can sense every emotion with a little perception. In that moment they would've seen sadness and jealousy.  
It was the look of regret.

The pilgrimage wore on. On the outside I looked so strong, unaffected, stoic and hard; completely focused on every objective and obstacle. On the inside however, all I felt was weakness and the fact that Tidus knew it seemed to make it a dirty little secret.  
I wasn't strong enough to resist him and now I'm too weak to keep him. It eludes me whether he becomes closer by Yuna by the day to hurt me, or whether it's out of genuine concern. He's too naive to the ways of Spira, but his passion burns and it kills me all over again. In combat he's often foolish, attacking fiends with hard scales which he can't pierce and not dodging when he should. Maybe that's where my love shines through most, I provoke the fiends and protect him where I can, the others too, but perhaps with less passion. I've been so long with these villainous thoughts these actions let me pretend I'm the hero that everyone in Spira believes me to be still. After the long and tedious stretch of highroad I watched as he sat down with Yuna in deep conversation. The sun was setting just right on his face emphasizing his tanned body and making him look so warm.

I was a wanting man, a wanting and weak man. His carefree manner seemed genuine but I supposed he was just like me. What we feel and what we choose to let others see are completely different things. They looked so strange together, so mismatched; her in summoners robes and him in his yellow and black outlandish attire. Yet, they looked somehow as if they belonged together. He had so many questions which I overheard as I watched over them, it was sad he had been brought into this. Telling Yuna she can just beat Sin and then beat him again... the poor girl, barely more than a child and the ignorant fool who keeps reminding her that she will die without even knowing it. Remarking on her youth made me painfully aware of his. Old hands aren't meant for touching the youthful, and these callouses are only worthy of caressing the handle of a blade. A monks lament I mused.


End file.
